THE DAVID WONG "YOU WRITE IT!" SCREENPLAY CONTEST
Months ago I wrote the beginning of a screenplay - the first three pages, to be exact. After that, I accepted 5-page entries from readers, and each week I chose one of the entries to add to the story. Together we made it up as we went, and when it was over, we came up with this. I'm very, very sorry.
BRICK BY BRICK
An Original Screenplay
By David Wong
And Others
INT. EXECUTIVE OFFICE - DAY
TOM, a middle-aged Wall Street executive relaxes at his massive desk, reclining in a massive leather chair. Out his window is a view of the massive city.
A voice comes from his speakerphone. It is JUDY, his secretary.
JUDY
Tom? There are two men
here to see you.
TOM
Send them in.
TOM continues to relax at his desk, waiting for the men to come in. We watch him, motionless, for ten minutes. Finally, they walk through the door:
ALONZO is tall, and bald. MIKE is shorter, with blonde hair. They are both carrying briefcases.
TOM
Hello.
ALONZO
Indeed. We are here to
make you a deal.
MIKE
You are one of the richest
men on wall street. You are
worth millions of dollars and
are very powerful. My friend
and I are from a rival, upstart
company. We would like to buy
you out.
TOM smiles, confidently.
TOM
Gentleman, I'm sorry to say that
TOMerica Enterprises is not for
sale. You see, I didn't get to
become one of the richest men
on Wall Street, worth millions
of dollars, by selling out to
the first two guys who come into
my office. Even though I am
having trouble with my wife because
I am always focusing on my work.
The two men frown in disappointment.
ALONZO
We do not take No for an answer.
DAVE
Yes. In fact, the only answer
we would accept would be Yes.
ALONZO
Perhaps this will change your mind.
They open their briefcases. They are FULL of money, stacks of 100 dollar bills.
MIKE
This is 40 Billion dollars in cash.
This is how much we are willing to pay
for your company.
TOM leans back his head and laughs.
TOM
Ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha!
TOM continues laughing.
TOM
Ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha!
The two men stare at him, angrily.
ALONZO
You'll pay for this, Tom Mayfield.
You'll pay dearly.
TOM
Get out of my office!
EXT. TOM'S HOUSE - NIGHT
TOM pulls up to his massive mansion, driving his massive limousine.
INT. TOM'S HOUSE - NIGHT
TOM walks through the door, where he is greeted by JANET, his lovely wife.
TOM
Hello.
JANET
Where have you been all day?
TOM
At work.
JANET
All you do is work! You spend so
much time focusing on your job,
that you don't pay any attention
to me! This upsets and depresses me!
JANET starts crying bitterly.
TOM
I work so we can have nice things!
I can't change what I am! Most
women would love to be married
to one of the most powerful men on
Wall Street and be worth millions
of dollars.
JANET
You are the cold, darkness of my soul!
TOM walks away, scoffing.
TOM
Bah!
INT. TOM'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
TOM walks into his massive bedroom, where there is a massive bed covered in silk sheets. He strides over to a massive VAULT, sitting alongside one wall.
TOM (to himself)
Bah! I don't need her. As long
as I have my millions of dollars
in stocks. Which, by the way,
I keep right here in this vault.
I think I will open it up so I
can look at them, and admire my riches.
TOM pulls out a key, and unlocks the vault. He freezes in shock.
The vault is empty.
TOM turns and looks into the camera.
TOM
My stocks are gone! I am ruined!
But who could have done this?
I can't solve this mystery.
Can you write the next chapter?
(the following was submitted by D. Melton, of Mattenville, NY. Great work, D!)
INT. TOM'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
TOM turns back toward the vault. He looks more closely. He notices his stocks behind a box on the shelf.
TOM
Oh, wait. There they are.
Whew! Everything is fine now.
TOM'S wife, JANET enters.
JANET
Good. You have found your riches.
Now make love to me.
They have sex.
INT. TOM'S OFFICE - DAY
It's the next day. TOM is again sitting at his desk. His hot secretary, LOLA, enters the room.
LOLA
Tom, I have finished those reports
for you. Is there anything else
you need from me?
TOM
There sure is.
They also have sex. Suddenly, TOM's wife enters, and finds them having sex on his desk.
JANET
Tom! You're cheating on me!
I'm angry!
TOM
Cheating? How can it be cheating
if you join in?
JANET
Okay.
She does. They have 3-way sex in his office.
Suddenly, TOM'S nemiseses, MIKE and ALONZO, enter.
TOM
Mike! Alonzo! How did you
get in here?
MIKE
You're having sex in your office
with your secretary and your wife!
We're going to use this information
to blackmail you now. Unless-
He scratches his chin, thoughtfully.
ALONZO
You let us join in.
MIKE
Right.
TOM
Okay.
They do. Group sex abounds.
INT. THERAPIST'S OFFICE - DAY
TOM is on a leather couch, talking to TINA, his sexy psychiatrist.
TOM
It's just that sex seems to rule
my life. Everywhere I go, it's
sex with one beautiful woman after
another. I even dream about it.
TINA
Tell me about your dreams.
TOM
Well, there's always a beautiful
woman there. And we're usually
in some exotic location.
TINA
I see. And these women, are they
imaginary women?
TOM
No. It's almost always women I
know, from my life.
TINA
Do I ever show up in your dreams?
Silence. TOM senses the growing erotic tension in the room immediately.
TOM
Yes.
TINA
I see. And what am I wearing
in your dream?
TOM
Like a bathing suit. Made of
leather. Red.
TINA
I see. And would you say that
I make you hot?
TOM
Yes. Very much.
TINA
And then what?
TOM
We have sex.
TINA
And how do we do it?
TOM
Well, we-
TINA
Don't tell me. Show me.
They have sex.
(I didn't get any entries this week, so I decided to write this next section myself. Come on guys! I need your help!)
INT. TOM'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT
TOM sits bolt upright in his bed, covered in a cold sweat.
TOM
Wow! What a strange dream. That's
all it was. A dream. It's strange
to think that everything that happened
since I discovered my missing
stocks has been one, long,
stupid dream. Yes. Indeed. I
should have known it was a
dream, since none of it made any
sense at all. Like something
written by a very, very stupid
person.
TOM gets out of bed, and goes over to his VAULT. He opens it up, to see it is EMPTY.
TOM
Yes. Just as I thought.
Indeed, my stocks ARE
missing. So now, we must begin
to solve the mystery of who
could have done such a thing!
TOM looks carefully, to see a small slip of paper.
TOM
Hmmmm; what could this be?
The paper has the letter "Q" on it, and nothing else.
TOM
Q? What could it mean?
TOM exits the room.
INT. TOM's HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
TOM walks into his kitchen, where his wife, JANET, is standing, making breakfast.
TOM
How are you this morning?
JANET
What do you care? Our lives
are falling apart!
She falls to the ground and begins weeping bitterly.
TOM
I don't know what you want from
me! You never talk to me!
JANET
Ever since I was growing up
as a young orphan girl in
Switzerland, I dreamed of coming
to America and marrying a young,
handsome man who was the
most powerful man on Wall
Street and worth millions of
dollars! I worked and worked
as a little girl, trying to
save enough money to make
the trip. Finally, I had
saved enough for my plane
ticket. I arrived in America
in June of 1988, full of hope,
fear, desire, hunger, enmity,
trauma, and defoliation. I
went to college and majored in
physical therapy, with a minor
in Middle Eastern Philosophy
and modern dance. I worked
nights at a local pizza restaurant
for minimum wage and tips,
just trying to make ends
meet. Then my college
discontinued the Middle
Eastern Philosophy program, and
I was forced to transfer
my courses to a different
minor; one in the history of
the Ottoman Empire. Then, I
failed four of my physical therapy
classes, and was forced to
pursue a degree in University
Studies, still clinging to my
hope of attending graduate
school. I worked and studied
like never before, while still
spending my nights slaving away
as a waitress at the Pamona
Pizza Palace. After five and
a half years I would graduate.
However, I was turned down
for one graduate school
after another. I felt like such
a failure. By then I had
worked my way up to assistant
head waitress at the Pizza Palace,
but the extra $1.68 a month
wasn't enough to support myself
and my seven brothers and
sisters, who had all moved in
with me after the country of
Switzerland disbanded in 1994.
It was truly a chaotic time. To
make things worse, my oldest
sister lost her left arm to
Def Leopard Drummer Syndrome. She
was forced to quit her job
as a juggler, and I was left with
one more mouth to feed.
I took some courses at a local
community college to supplement
my education. However, my classes
in cross-stitch, finger painting,
country line dancing, synchronized
swimming, and humorous web page
design did nothing to advance my
career. By now I had decided that
neither a career in the world of
Physical Therapy or Middle-Eastern
Philosophy would not come
about, and so I set my sights
on my true dream: poetry. I
spent the next six years studying
under legendary poet J. Owen
Foodleburgh, who had invented
a technique of using similar-sounding
words at the end of each line.
Today this technique is
called "rhyming" or more commonly,
"foodleburging." However, after
those years of learning, I had written
only four poems, and none were of
the level of quality required to
allow them to be seen by anyone,
lest I become the laughing stock
of the community. I burned my poem
collection and declared the last
six years a waste of time.
Then, just two years ago, I met
you, Tom. The most powerful man
on Wall Street, worth
millions of dollars. Our romance
was a whirlwind affair, beginning
with our first date, when we saw
the movie "Baseketball" until our
second date, when we saw the
movie "Baseketball" again.
We fell in love quickly, our hearts
falling like two heart-shaped
monkeys falling from a tree.
We danced and sang like school
children, all night long at our
local Taco Bell, until the manager
made us leave at gunpoint.
But we didn't care what the
adults thought; we were in love!
Our love was all that mattered.
We were married just six months
later, and we went on
our honeymoon in the beautiful
country of Belgium. We had a
lovely time, despite the fact
that the hotel had to substitute
our Presidential Suite for the
regular Honeymoon Suite, due to
overbooking. We were quite
upset, but the Honeymoon Suite
turned out to be quite satisfactory,
and the hotel deducted 10% from
our bill after we complained
several dozen times. We sipped
champagne and gazed into each
other's eyes as we strolled
on Belgium's beautiful beaches.
We danced all night at the Belgium
Taco Bell, just like old times.
It was truly wondrous. But
soon after our married life
began, I realized that there
was a terrible gulf between us.
I thought I had married a good,
dedicated man who was the most
powerful man on Wall Street worth
millions of dollars. Instead,
it turns out I married a man
who’s first priority is work,
work, work. In fact, your
first three priorities are work.
TOM
Janet-
JANET
Would you let me finish!?!!?
As I stated before,
Ever since I was growing up
as a young orphan girl in
Switzerland, I dreamed of coming
to America and marrying a young,
handsome man who was the
most powerful man on Wall
Street and worth millions of
dollars! I worked and worked
as a little girl, trying to
save enough money to make
the trip. Finally, I had
saved enough for my plane
ticket. I arrived in America
in June of 1988, full of hope,
fear, desire, hunger, enmity,
trauma, and defoliation. I
went to college and majored in
physical therapy, with a minor
in Middle Eastern Philosophy
and modern dance. I worked
nights at a local pizza restaurant
for minimum wage and tips,
just trying to make ends
meet. Then my college
discontinued the Middle
Eastern Philosophy program, and
I was forced to transfer
my courses to a different
minor; one in the history of
the Ottoman Empire. Then, I
failed four of my physical therapy
classes, and was forced to
pursue a degree in University
Studies, still clinging to my
hope of attending graduate
school. I worked and studied
like never before, while still
spending my nights slaving away
as a waitress at the Pamona
Pizza Palace. After five and
a half years I would graduate.
However, I was turned down
for one graduate school
after another. I felt like such
a failure. By then I had
worked my way up to assistant
head waitress at the Pizza Palace,
but the extra $1.68 a month
wasn’t enough to support myself
and my seven brothers and
sisters, who had all moved in
with me after the country of
Switzerland disbanded in 1994.
It was truly a chaotic time. To
make things worse, my oldest sister
lost her left arm to
Def Leopard Drummer Syndrome. She
was forced to quit her job
as a juggler, and I was left with
one more mouth to feed.
I took some courses at a local
community college to supplement
my education. However, my classes
in cross-stitch, finger painting,
country line dancing, synchronized
swimming, and humorous web page
design did nothing to advance my
career. By now I had decided that
neither a career in the world of
Physical Therapy or Middle-Eastern
Philosophy would not come
about, and so I set my sights
on my true dream: poetry. I
spent the next six years studying
under legendary poet J. Owen
Foodleburgh, who had invented
a technique of using similar-sounding
words at the end of each line.
Today this technique is
called "rhyming" or more commonly,
"foodleburging." However, after
those years of learning, I had written
only four poems, and none were of
the level of quality required to
allow them to be seen by anyone,
lest I become the laughing stock
of the community. I burned my poem
collection and declared the last
six years a waste of time.
Then, just two years ago, I met
you, Tom. The most powerful man
on Wall Street, worth
millions of dollars. Our romance
was a whirlwind affair, beginning
with our first date, when we saw
the movie "Baseketball" until our
second date, when we saw the
movie "Basketball" again.
We fell in love quickly, our hearts
falling like two heart-shaped
monkeys falling from a tree.
We danced and sang like school
children, all night long at our
local Taco Bell, until the manager
made us leave at gunpoint.
But we didn't care what the
adults thought; we were in love!
Our love was all that mattered.
We were married just six months
later, and we went on
our honeymoon in the beautiful
country of Belgium. We had a
lovely time, despite the fact
that the hotel had to substitute
our Presidential Suite for the
regular Honeymoon Suite, due to
overbooking. We were quite
upset, but the Honeymoon Suite
turned out to be quite satisfactory,
and the hotel deducted 10% from
our bill after we complained
several dozen times. We sipped
champagne and gazed into each
other's eyes as we strolled
on Belgium's beautiful beaches.
We danced all night at the Belgium
Taco Bell, just like old times.
It was truly wondrous. But
soon after our married life
began, I realized that there
was a terrible gulf between us.
I thought I had married a good,
dedicated man who was the most
powerful man on Wall Street worth
millions of dollars. Instead,
it turns out I married a man
whose first priority is work,
work, work. In fact, your
first three priorities are work.
You don't have time for me or
the three children we never
had. You work from nine in the
morning until four, or
even five in the afternoon.
That's inhuman! It's like
you're possessed by the idea
of becoming rich and
respected by your peers. That's
not how you became
The most powerful man on Wall
Street and worth
Millions of dollars! You reached
that position by being kind and
respectful and romantic. Why
have you forgotten, Tom? Why have
you forgotten what made you special?
Why have you forgotten
what makes us special? I would give
it all back, Tom. I would give back
the long work days, and the stress,
and the constant shortage of time just
to have you back, just to have back
that man I always dreamed of having:
a man who was the most
powerful man on Wall Street and
worth millions of dollars.
Nothing more. But no. That man
is gone. You aren't my husband.
You've never been a husband to me!
You've only been a husband to yourself!
She runs from the room, screaming.
TOM shakes his head, and sighs.
TOM
Pfffffssssssssshhhhhh.
INT. TOM'S OFFICE - DAY
TOM sits at his massive desk, staring at the single sheet of paper with the letter "Q" on it. He reaches for his intercom, and calls for his secretary:
TOM
Ms. Quentinberry? Come in here, please.
TOM
(to himself)
Hmmmmm. Q. What could it mean?
Is it a name? Or a clue of
some kind? And how do I tell my
wife that I am no longer worth
millions of dollars, since some
unknown bandit stole my stocks and
bonds? Q. Q. What can "Q" mean?
The secretary, MS. QUENTINBERRY, walks in.
MS. QUENTINBERRY
Yes, Tom?
TOM
Yes, Ms. Quentinberry. I got
this note here, with only the
letter "Q" on it. So I ask
you, Ms. Quentinberry, if you know
of any of my clients, employees,
and/or enemies who's names
start with "Q". Can you think
of any, Ms. Quentinberry? I'm
at a loss as to figure out who it
may be. Ms. Quentinberry.
ZOOM IN on MS. QUENTINBERRY'S face. She looks VERY NERVOUS.
EXTREME CLOSE-UP of MS. QUENTINBERRY'S MOUTH. Sweat is literally pouring down around it.
MS. QUENTINBERRY
Why, no, Mr. Mayfield.
TOM
Thank you, Ms. Quentinberry.
If you happen to think of who it
could be, Ms. Quentinberry, let
me know. In fact, if you think
of ANYONE who's name begins with
the letter "Q," Ms. Quentinberry,
notify my immediately. That will
be all, Ms. Quentinberry.
She exits.
(This one was sent me by a man who's name I don't have and who's e-mail address I don't have permission to give out. But here it is, and he and his close friends know he did the work and that's good enough!)
INT. TOM'S BEDROOM - DAY
Cut to Tom , later that day, staring into his vault.
TOM
I do know that I've had so
much and now I've lost it all...
this must be an evil plot by
someone. Someone who knows me
well, someone who remembered the
time when I was in 3rd grade
and Mrs. Billingsly told me I
couldn't write the letter "Q"
well enough in cursive. She
said it didn't really "look like
a Q." What a bitch. I had to spend
hours of each day writing the
letter "Q" in class, I needed
extra practice she said. Extra
Practice, EXTRA PRACTICE!!!!!
...Sometimes at night...like
last week I would get up...and
write the letter "Q" on my
bathroom walls in lipstick. And
they looked like Q's.
OH HOW THEY LOOKED LIKE Q's!!!
Tom falls down to the ground and changes into a saddened state.
TOM
She was right. They didn't look like
Q's. I couldn't write them. I'm a
failure to myself. I'm a failure to
Poochie, my pet dog.
Poochie walks in and licks Tom's face.
POOCHIE
Bark!
TOM
That's right. I'm pathetic.
I don't think I can go on.
POOCHIE:
Bark!
TOM
Wait! You're right. I haven't come this
far to give up this quick!
POOCHIE
Bark!
TOM
Sure, I'll give up in a week or so!
When things get really tough. Besides,
who needs to write the letter "Q"
anyways? I could always replace it
with other letters like "N"!
POOCHIE
Ruff!
INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
Scene cuts to Ms. Quentinberry talking to Janet. They are in a coffee shop, secluded in the corner.
QUENTINBERRY
I think he knows.
JANET
He can't.
QUENTINBERRY
He didn't say it outright,
but he kept asking questions.
I could see it in his eyes. He
knows.
JANET
He can't possibly, we've hid
it so well.
QUENTINBERRY
He kept talking, you know, about
it. It was implied.
JANET
This isn't going to change anything is it?
QUENTINBERRY
I'm afraid that it has to. I can't
keep this up any more. It was a
good idea in the beginning but now-
it's either me or him. You choose.
This affair cannot go on any longer.
That's what it is, an affair. Can't
I mean more than that after all
we've gone through together?
JANET
I love you, you know that.
QUENTINBERRY
Then choose between us.
JANET
But how will we support ourselves...
he's the one that has the billions of
dollars. I don't think I could live
on the millions you make alone.
QUENTINBERRY
I think I have that taken care of.
We'll be fine.
JANET
Oh?
QUENTINBERRY
I have, let's say, a backup plan.
JANET
You didn't do that to Tom?
QUENTINBERRY
No! I don't like men.
JANET
Not that!
QUENTINBERRY
Oh, no I just wanted to open a
small car dealership that sells
free base narcotics on the side.
Ya know, like crack cocaine?
JANET
Thank God! I thought you were
suggesting I get a job! I have
some friends you must meet.
The Camera cuts to MIKE and ALFONZO walking over to the table.
(The following is another submission from D. Melton, of Mattenville, NY.)
INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
MIKE and ALFONZO walk past the two women, turn in the aisle, and walk back out the door. Neither of the women notice them.
QUENTINBERRY
You were saying?
JANET
I have two friends I want you to meet.
She opens her shirt.
They have sex.
(4-10-00: A Mr. Tom Creighton dropped this script bomb on us last week. And here it is:)
INT. SECRET LABS BENEATH TOM'S OFFICE BUILDING - LIT POORLY
MIKE and ALONZO stand next to a MYSTERIOUS FIGURE.
MIKE
Sorry, they didn't have the kind
of coffee you wanted, master.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE speaks with a horribly mechanical voice.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
Do not trouble yourself, Mike, for
soon the day of reckoning will come.
Yes! The day of reckoning! Don't
misunderstand me, I'm talking about
the day of reckoning here.
ALONZO looks worried.
ALONZO
But master, so soon? D'you really
think that you can bring down
TOMerica enterprises?
MIKE breaks wind. Hilarity ensues.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE speaks again with exactly the same horribly mechanical voice, but somehow different:
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
Have no fear, my faithful followers.
Yes! The day of reckoning! This coming
Tuesday!
MIKE
Oh no! Not game night!
EXT. COFFEE SHOP - NIGHT
JANET and QUENTINBERRY still sit at their table. JANET looks discomfited.
JANET
Don't you think we should go home,
it being night and all?
QUENTINBERRY laughs.
QUENTINBERRY
That brings to mind a quote from
Tennyson:
He clasps the crag with crookèd hands;
Close to the sun in lonely lands,
Ring'd with the azure world, he stands.
The wrinkled sea beneath him crawls;
He watches from his mountain walls,
And like a thunderbolt he falls.
JANET
That's beautiful. What does it mean?
QUENTINBERRY
It means we should have sex.
They have sex.
(Okay! I've been inspired by this week's entries to write a short one of my own. Here it is.)
INT. TOM'S OFFICE - DAY
TOM walks in. He turns to face the camera.
TOM
(to himself)
Hmmmmm.... there has been a great deal
of talk of people having spontaneous
sex around here. But I have a very,
very strong feeling that this will
not be a concern from now on. Yes, I
am sure of it. In fact, it is very
likely that there will be no further
sex for the rest of this ordeal, as
there has been more than enough to last
us. Thank you.
JANET enters the room. They do not have sex.
JANET and TOM walk away.
(4-20-00. Another Tom Creighton update.)
EXT. U.S. AIRCRAFT CARRIER CONESTOGA - DAY
A LARGE and UGLY GENERAL faces the camera, looking off to sea.
A CADET approaches him. CADET salutes, and speaks loudly and crisply.
CADET
General, sir! We've just received
a transmission from the mainland,
sir! Our top-secret evil-tracking
hardware has detected a huge
concentration underneath an office
building on Wall Street!
GENERAL stares at CADET with barely veiled hostility.
GENERAL
(snarls)
What did you say?
CADET
Oh.. ur.. yes. .. received a perfectly
normal sonar sounding, that is.
GENERAL
That's better, cadet. Is it you-know-who?
CADET
We think so, sir. Shall I instruct
Command to launch fighters?
GENERAL
Not this time, cadet.
CADET looks flustered, wrings hands.
CADET
But sir! Why not?
GENERAL
Damn it, Jeff! I'm muzzled by navy brass!!
INT. TOM'S OFFICE - DAY
TOM is working at his desk.
TOM
Ms. Quentinberry, could you come in here
for a moment?
QUENTINBERRY enters the office.
QUENTINBERRY
(looking somewhat nervous)
Yes sir?
TOM
I'd like you to take a memo.
QUENTINBERRY gets notepad and pen.
QUENTINBERY
(visibly relieved)
Fire away, sir.
TOM
Yes, it's to my daughter.
QUETINBERRY
You don't mean Petula, do you sir?
TOM
Yes, exactly. Ever since she went
away to school in Geneva, her mother
has been so unlike herself.
(takes a breath and looks at Quentinberry)
TOM
(cont.)
Why, it's almost like she's plotting
against me or something. (laughs) Aren't
I a muggins. That will be all,
Quentinberry.
QUENTINBERRY
Yes sir.
CAMERA pans up over QUENTINBERRY'S shoulder and we can see that on her notepad is written over and over the word 'DIE'.
EXT. SOMEWHERE IN THE ALPS - EVENING
PETULA
I hope no one ever finds out
that I'm training to be an assassin.
She kills someone.
INT. SECRET LABS BENEATH TOM'S OFFICE BUILDING - LIT POORLY
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE laughs maniacally.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!
(4-30-00. This entry is from Donald Wang. Thanks, Don!)
INT. HUGE CONFERENCE ROOM
Pan around a long, long wooden conference table. Seated around it is JANET and MS. QUENTINBERRY, and MIKE and ALONZO. They're chatting nervously among themselves, not sure what is about to happen.
A dark figure enters the room. We don't see it clearly, but we recognize the evil mechanical voice.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
Thank you all for coming. Our
plan is coming along nicely.
JANET
What plan? I'm just here with my girl.
QUENTINBERRY
Be cool, baby. Listen to what the
Mysterious Figure has to say.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
Thank you. My friends, it is a
great day. For this day will forever
live on in history as The Day That
Came Three Days Before The Day That
Changed The World. With Ms.
Quentinberry's help, I now control
the riches of TOMerica enterprises.
And with that money, I am building
a doomsday machine that will destroy
the entire Earth. And then, you and
I will rule the world together.
JANET
Hmmmm.... it seems like there's something
wrong with that plan, but I just can't
put my finger on it...
MIKE
There is one problem, Sir.
Tom will try to stop you.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
Oh, I have a way to deal with
Mr. Mayfield.
The MYSTERIOUS FIGURE clicks a remote control. An electronic buzz fills the room, and suddenly a door slides open on the surface of the conference table. A pedestal rises up from inside it. Standing on the pedestal is PETULA, TOM's daughter, who happens to be one of the finest professional killers in the world.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
Meet Petula. She is Tom's daughter,
who happens to be one of the finest
professional killers in the world.
PETULA
Howdy.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
Petula has spent the last month
studying all of Tom's weaknesses,
formulating the perfect plan for
his termination.
PETULA
Yes. I have analyzed my father's
vulnerabilities, and have determined
that the best plan is to shoot him
in the head.
ALONZO
Brilliant.
QUENTINBERRY
That sounds like a great plan.
But are you sure you can do the job
without being distracted
by your feelings for him? After
all, he is your father. And
our whole plan would be ruined
if at the very last moment,
with your finger hovering over
the trigger, you hesitated
because love overcame your cold
hatred and bitterness, causing
you to find your humanity and
reconcile with your father.
And then you would run up to him,
crying, saying "I love you Daddy!"
while he says "it's okay,
sweetheart. I should have
been there for you. And I
will be from now on!" And then you
would both turn towards the flaming
wreckage of Mysterious Figure's
Doomsday machine, and he would
say "see honey? I promised you
there would be fireworks
this year."
PETULA
I'm a professional. I would say there
is no better than a 40% chance
of that happening.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
Well, I'm satisfied. Let's get to it!
INT. FINE CHINA SHOP - DAY
TOM is walking down aisle after aisle of expensive china, porcelain figurines, crystal wine glasses, and blown glass sculptures.
Two uniformed WORKERS come in, each wheeling huge steel drums marked "HAZARDOUS - HIGH EXPLOSIVE."
WORKER
Boy, it sure does make me nervous
just leaving these barrels of blasting
gel and napalm in the middle of
the store like this.
WORKER 2
I know. After all, just one stray
bullet and this whole place would
blow sky high.
WORKER
Oh, well.
TOM glances at the workers, then continues browsing. Meanwhile...
EXT. CHINA SHOP - ALLEY - DAY
PETULA carries a huge duffel bag into a darkened alley behind the shop. She throws down the bag and opens it - it is FULL of guns.
She begins loading.
(5.15.00. Calvin F.)
PETULA
Oh yes. Come to Daddy. Or
should I say: Daddy, you're...Dead.
PETULA cocks her handgun, and looks down the barrel. Behind her, a CAT meows loudly as it paws at a small lizard. PETULA spins around and unloads a clip in the general direction of the CAT. CAT meows and skitters out of the alley. The lizard is badly injured. PETULA picks up the lizard and puts it in her duffle bag, zipping it closed.
PETULA
We'll get you to the vets afterwards
love, don't you worry. Stupid cats.
LIZARD
(from inside duffle bag)
HISSSSSSSSssss
INT FINE CHINA SHOP - DAY.
TOM (browsing)
Wow. I didn't know they made
china with lesbia...
The door opens suddenly and PETULA enters, gun raised.
TOM
Petula! What on earth are you
doing here! And why do you have
a gun aimed directly at my head?
PETULA
What!? How can you tell it's me?
(pause)
(to herself) Oh shit! I forgot to
put on my black ballaclava. Five
years of assassin training in the
Swiss alps and I forget to wear
a disguise. Pity me!
TOM
Balla what? Hey put down that
gun honey!
PETULA
No Daddy. I'm afraid I can't do that.
TOM
What do you mean?
PETULA
I'm going to kill you now, Daddy.
And then I'm going to take an
injured lizard to the vet.
TOM (smiling)
You always had such a love for animals.
PETULA (sniffling)
Listen daddy. Things are...
different now.
(chokes back tears.)
I'm not the little girl who makes
clothing for rodents anymore.
(her face takes on a grim composure)
I'm a trained assassin. And I'm
going to kill you now.
TOM
Petula...
PETULA
No Daddy. You're going to die.
TOM
But...
PETULA
There's no buts about it. I'm going
to shoot you in the head and then
you'll be dead.
TOM
What about....
PETULA
I'm going to kill you now. Prepare
to die, Daddy!
TOM
Please don't....
PETULA
I'm going to kill you now... Just
like that (choking back tears) cat.
Just like Merfy.
TOM
Is that what this is about?
PETULA
No. I'm a trained assassin.
TOM
Listen hon, antifreeze looks
just like kool-aid to any six
year old. There was no way...
PETULA
No way what? No what that I could
know it would kill Merfy? You're so
wrong, Daddy. I knew it. I knew it
and I fed it to her anyways...
TOM
No, no. You didn't know it. Listen.
Give me the gun.
PETULA
(hesitates, then her face stiffens up)
No... No. It's too late for that.
You won't change my mind. Die!
TOM
Well in that case... (lowers his head for
a second, then...) Hi-ya!
TOM kicks the gun from her hand. It flies up in the air. and lands on a plate. They both grapple for it, and a brief struggle ensues. Many glass articles shatter. Finally TOM wins out, and holds the gun to PETULAS head, who is crouched on the ground. They are both bleeding from the struggle.
TOM
Now who's going to be doing the killing,
Petula? Huh?
PETULA
Dad...? You'd actually.
TOM
What? Kill my own daughter. Oh please.
You're no more my daughter than that
lizard over there.
Camera pans to LIZARD, whose head is poking out of bag. Tom and Petula both look at it for a couple seconds. Its tongue flits once.
LIZARD
HISSSSSSSSSSSsssssssss
PETULA
(looking back from lizard)
What do you mean I'm not your daughter?
TOM
Haha. It's the funniest thing. I'm impotent!
PETULA
But you're always having sex.
TOM
Yes, haha. That's the funny part.
Now listen up.
PETULA
No. You listen. See these barrels
behind me? They are full of high
explosives. If you pull that trigger,
the bullet will hit them and they'll
explode. We'll both be dead.
TOM
What the...? How do you know they're
explosives, and not just plates?
PETULA
(pauses) I... I have special training...
TOM
Special training!? How do you mean!?
PETULA
Dad...
TOM
I wish you'd stop calling me that.
PETULA
Dad, there's something else I have
to tell you. I didn't really go off to
private veterinarian school in Geneva.
I was at Assassin school.
Dramatic pause while this sinks in. TOM is mortified for a moment, and then regains his composure.
TOM
Wait a minute. I don't care!
You're not even my daughter! But
Assassin school? How is that possible!
I thought Switzerland was a neutral
state?
PETULA
It's easy. They don't have any obligations.
They can train whoever they want.
TOM
Oh well I suppose that makes sense
after all, but...
Suddenly the lizard is seen, crawling up in between them.
LIZARD
My woe is great! My time is near!
Behold... For the tent of my life is
being prematurely drawn shut, even
as an eclipse blots the sun from the sky!
Both TOM and PETULA are flabbergasted.
TOM
(flabbergasted)
I'm flabbergasted!
PETULA
(also flabbergasted)
Me too! I'm as flabbergasted as you Dad!
TOM
Petula. This is... A miracle of science.
Do you know what this means?
PETULA
It means we have to get this lizard to
the vet ASAP.
TOM
Yes. Now let's get going...
TOM puts the gun away in his belt, while PETULA gently scoops up LIZARD. Suddenly from out of the shadows a voice speaks. It is GENERAL. Beside him is CADET.
GENERAL
I'm afraid I'll have to put and end
to this little reunion. Petula, you
have failed us. Now, back off. I'm
taking the lizard with me.
CADET
Do what he says or else!
PETULA
I was never working for you. (to her father)
Daddy, I have never seen this man
before in my life.
TOM
Petula... This man.
GENERAL
Tell her, Tom.
TOM
He is... He is your father.
PETULA
Nooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!! My babies will be
ugly.... Curse the fates.
LIZARD
HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSsssssssssssss.
(5-29-00. Jonathan D.)
Suddenly, a small alarm rings from a matte-black black device on the CADET's belt. He looks down at it.
CADET
The Pure Evil detector!
PETULA seizes the opportunity and kicks the gun out of the CADET's hand. TOM rushes the GENERAL and the two crash into a display of fine china labeled VERY RARE CHINESE BONE CHINA.
Meanwhile, PETULA wrestles the CADET under control, then turns him over, pumping her hips slightly as she straddles his back, and snaps his neck.
PETULA
I hate men in uniforms.
PETULA then stands up, straightens her hair. Then she looks around for her hair clip, stirs the piles of broken china with her foot until she finds it, and puts it back on. Meanwhile, TOM and the GENERAL are still struggling, as the GENERAL is trying to slit TOM's throat with a broken fragment of china.
TOM is trying to keep the GENERAL's hand away, but it's slowly drawing closer to his throat. They stop as they hear the unmistakable CLICK of a pistol cocking.
PETULA
[whispering huskily]
I know what you're thinking:
did she fire six shots, or only
five? Well, considering that
this is a Magnum .357, the most
powerful handgun in the world,
you've got to ask yours--
TOM
Darling? That's not a Magnum,
it's a Glock. You haven't
fired a single shot, and it's got
sixteen rounds in the clip anyways.
What did they teach you at veterinary
assassin school?
GENERAL
Petula, I am your father.
PETULA
(squealing)
No!
GENERAL
Search your feelings, you know
it's true!
PETULA
(lowers the gun, pleading)
No!
GENERAL
You can't kill me, I'm part of
you. If you kill me, how could you
exist? You wouldn't exist, except
as part of me. Whom you killed.
TOM
I lied, Petula, he's not your father!
GENERAL
Damn.
PETULA raises the gun and empties the clip into the GENERAL's head. A small trickle of blood flows from his ear as he drops to the floor.
TOM
Nice shot.
PETULA
I love you, daddy!
TOM
Actually, I lied. Again.
Your daddy is bleeding on the floor.
PETULA
Oh.
TOM
Sorry.
PETULA
Since you're not my daddy, does
this mean we can have sex, daddy?
TOM
Maybe.
Suddenly the skylights shatter in as a SEAL TEAM rappels down through them. They slide down gracefully to the floor, the camera panning down as it centers on their NIKE AIR JORDANS. the SEAL CAPTAIN scans around the room through the sights of his M16, then shoulders it and looks down at the general's body.
SEAL CAPTAIN
You never did know the right
shoes to wear, general.
TOM
That man tried to kill me!
SEAL CAPTAIN
(snarls)
He was investigating the highest
evil concentration NORAD has ever
reported outside of a campaign to
legalize marijuana! This whole area's
reading over six-one on our routine
scans for pure evil!
PETULA
That's odd... we didn't feel much evil.
Just a cat that attacked my pet lizard.
SEAL CAPTAIN
(narrows eyes)
Lizard?
PETULA
Yes.
SEAL CAPTAIN
a TALKING lizard?
PETULA
Well of course.
SEAL CAPTAIN
Bitch! That isn't a lizard, that's
an incarnation of the Ancient Evil
that Awakens Every 500 Years!
TOM
(eyes wide)
You don't mean...
SEAL CAPTAIN
That's right... Fla B'gastor.
(This is Amy N.'s contribution)
A pause as they all stand among the wreckage and dead bodies of GENERAL and CADET. Slowly music swells, and PETULA breaks into song, a low, soulful ballad:
PETULA
All the dead lie
Like sausage on the floor
We gaze unto the sky
Where the spider monkeys roar
But a new evil has arisen;
Its name is Fla-b-gast-orrrrrr
TOM
A smoking gun in her hand
Like a gun-shaped cigar
She’s killing all in the land
Whether near or afar
My daughter? My not-daughter?
Es no cigarello que fumar?
LIZARD
Like an old half-eaten sandwich,
I am small and I am green
But unspeakable destruction
Is what your future will see
Soon you will run away in terror
Of my Lizardosity
THE SEAL TEAM
Someday
love will find you
Break those
chains that bind you
One night
will remind you
How we touched
And went our separate ways
The SEAL CAPTAIN pulls a red dual-necked guitar out of nowhere, and begins whaling on a long power-ballad style solo. This goes on for fifteen minutes.
When he finishes, his men look up to see that TOM and PETULA are gone, and so is THE LIZARD.
SEAL CAPTAIN
Damn! We fell for the oldest
trick in the book!
EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT
TOM and PETULA run to a stop, nervously looking around them.
TOM
I think we lost them.
PETULA
I could have bought us more time
if only we had a drum set.
THE LIZARD
Well, I must be going.
PETULA
Will we ever see you again?
LIZARD
No.
TOM
Oh, well.
The lizard skitters to the sidewalk, hails a cab, and rides away.
TOM
Well, that takes care of that.
PETULA
Right. Oh, just one more thing...
She draws her pistol and points it at TOM. She pulls the trigger. On the GUNSHOT we CUT TO:
INT. HUGE CONFERENCE ROOM - NIGHT
Same room as before. MYSTERIOUS FIGURE, JANET, QUENTINBERRY, MIKE and ALONZO are still seated around the table.
MIKE
I still don't see why we all had to
wait here the whole time.
ALONZO
Yeah. It's been three days.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
Quiet!!
PETULA walks in.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
I trust you have good news?
PETULA
The job is done.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
Excellent. Now, to the second
stage of my plan.
He punches a button on his table once more.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
Judy? Send in Dr. Feingold.
(7-2-00 - This is from Kevin Van Damme):
JUDY brings in DR. FIENGOLD, the esteemed and world-renowned theoretical particle physicist.
DR. FIENGOLD
What is the meaning of
this?
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
You see, my dear Doctor. I
plan on building a very
destructive and powerful
device, which will be the
cause of a series of
events. These events will
also be very destructive
and powerful, so
destructive and powerful
that they will cause the
complete annihilation of
the planet, and bring
about a day of reckoning.
In turn I will be able to
rule the earth.
DR. FIENGOLD
I meant about my shackles,
they itch.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
Of course this machine has
yet to be built, and I
need the services of a
scientist who knows how to
blow things up.
DR. FIENGOLD
Not only that, but they
are heavy, and they smell.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
That scientist is you, so
I give you a choice Doctor
Fiengold, you can either
work for me freely, and
survive the day of doom.
Or you can work for me in
shackles, and then die...
probably by a gruesome
method, not quick like Mr.
Mayfield.
Silence fills the room.
DR. FIENGOLD
So, no more shackles?
Silence fills the room, and sweat begins to bead on Dr. Fiengold's forehead.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
Only if you work for me
willingly, and co-operate.
Silence fills the room, the sweat now pours down Dr.
Fiengold's head, his eyes are closed as if in prayer.
ALONZO
(Abruptly)
Hey, lets watch the news;
maybe the results of our
insidious murder of Mr.
Mayfield will be
mentioned.
The VIEWSCREEN located above the MUSTERIOUS FIGURE’s head
turns on. All of the people present in the room turn to
watch it, all except DR. FIENGOLD who is trying to scratch
his wrists from underneath the shackles.
NEWS ANCHOR
...and in other news, Tom
Mayfield, CEO and president
of TOMemrica Enterprises
was found wounded earlier
today. Authorities state
that he received a gunshot
wound to the head.
However, this shot was non-
fatal as it passed directly
between the lobes of the
brain and through the
corpus callosum. He
remains in serious
condition, and could die at
any moment. Why even right
now he could be dead. Or
right now. Or even right
now. Various market
analysts suspect that if
Mayfield dies, TOMerica
stock will crash, and
become virtually worthless.
As the time here in New
York is six o-clock, the
markets are closed; so all
you TOMerica stockholders
better hope he survives the
night, since the company
would have no value if he
dies...
The VIEWSCREEN turns off.
(This is from "Maximus," on 7-16-00.):
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE turns to Dr. Feingold.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
Okay, new plan. I need you to build a
device with miraculous healing
powers. We must be sure Tom Mayfield
survives!
DR. FEINGOLD
Are you mad? Tom has suffered
massive brain damage. The entire
frontal lobe was disintegrated!
The bullet severed his spine! I'm
amazed he didn't die the moment he
was shot. I'm just a scientist, not a
miracle worker.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
Then all is lost.
DR. FEINGOLD
Now, I did happen to build a brain
and spine reconstruction device years
ago, but that wouldn't work unless
Tom's blood type were type "O" negative.
PETULA
Wait! It is!
DR. FEINGOLD
Don't get excited. Even then, it takes
an enormous amount of electricity to make
the machine's fusion reactors work...
I mean, we're talking six, maybe
eight size "D" batteries...
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
We can get them from my boom box!
STEVE
This could work.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
Who are you?
MIKE
We have to get this machine to the
hospital!
DR. FEINGOLD
(Sigh...) Oh, all right. You'd better
be careful, though. That machine, with
only minor adjustments, could also be used
to destroy the world.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
Sweet! How long will it take you to
retrieve and configure this miraculous
healing machine?
DR. FEINGOLD
It's in my car.
INT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE, PETULA, MIKE, ALONZO, QUINTENBERRY, JANET, DR. FEINGOLD and STEVE march down the hall, towing the doctor's home-made brain reconstruction device.
INT. HOSPITAL - TOM'S ROOM - NIGHT
They all crowd into TOM'S hospital room. TOM lies alone in the room, hooked up to numerous tubes and wires. He is unconscious.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
Okay! Hook it up! The markets open in
ten minutes!
DR. FEINGOLD
All right, but I don't know what you're
getting all excited about. The odds of this
plan working are slim at best. We still have
to hook the machine up. Then we have to go
through all the trouble of turning it on.
Then we'll have to wait for several seconds...
Ah, I don't see why we don't just go home.
PETULA
(sigh)
Oh, he's right.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
No! We have to try, dammit. Do it!
Dr. Feingold pulls a funnel-looking device from the machine, connected by a coiled hose. He attaches the hose to TOM's crotch. He flips a switch.
The machine beeps.
DR. FEINGOLD
Okay. He's healed, I guess.
TOM's eyes slowly open. He blinks, wondering who all of these people are in the hospital room with him.
TOM
Wha-
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
Great! Get me my cell phone!
ALONZO hands it to him. MYSTERIOUS FIGURE dials.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
Hello? Is this the CNN FN? Good.
I wanted to report on the condition
of Tom Mayfield. It seems as if he has
had a miraculous recovery overnight.
Yes. Thanks.
He dials again.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
Rudy? It's me. You know those
four billion shares of TOMerica
stock I told you I found in my
basement the other day? I want to
sell them all. That's right. Okay,
thanks.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE hangs up the cell phone and turns to PETULA.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
We have converted all of the stocks to
cash! Now KILL HIM AGAIN!!!
TOM's eyes open wide. At that moment, a NURSE walks in.
NURSE
Okay, Tom. Time for your massage - who
are you people?!?!
PETULA turns to the nurse, as does every one else. Seizing the opportunity, TOM SPRINGS out of bed. He grabs the nurse's GUN from her holster and points it at MYSTERIOUS FIGURE.
TOM
No massage today, Nurse. In fact,
the only massage anyone's getting
today is going to be a lead massage.
TOM walks over to MYSTERIOUS FIGURE.
TOM
So you're the one who's been trying to
destroy me. Let's find out who you are
once and for all...
TOM reaches up, and PULLS OFF MYSTERIOUS FIGURE'S MASK.
Everyone in the room gasps.
PETULA
I don't believe it! It's-
(And now, the ending. This reader insisted I refer to him as "Detonator." Enjoy!)
PETULA
It's... me?
Everyone gathers around MYSTERIOUS FIGURE to get a closer look.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
Yes... I am Petula's twin
sister, Petula 2.
STEVE
But why? Why? WHY, DAMMIT!?
PETULA 2
When I was born, I was always second
best to the lovable Petula. Nothing
I did was good enough. She walked
first, she talked first, and she got
all the attention. I ran away at age 5,
and nobody cared enough to look for me.
I grew up on the streets, and the only
thing that kept me alive for all those
years... was revenge... revenge on my FATHER!
TOM
That explains the trying to kill me part.
PETULA 2
Precisely.
PETULA
Dad... is all this true?
TOM
Of course it is!
PETULA
That means... I was taking
orders from a LOWLIFE like YOU?
PETULA advances on PETULA 2. Everyone else backs off.
PETULA
Now that you mention it... I remember
you. And you know why you were always
second best? Because you were EVIL!
PETULA 2 puts down her gun, and slaps PETULA. PETULA slaps her back.
MIKE
Oooh! A cat fight!
ALONZO
This is what makes all this hard
work worthwhile.
PETULA and PETULA 2 wrestle around on the ground, wrestling, biting, and pulling hair. The men start cheering.
PETULA
Dad!
TOM
Oh, sorry...
PETULA 2 stands up in front of everyone.
PETULA 2
That's it, I've had enough!
It's time you found out who I really am!
PETULA 2 rips off her shirt to show a cybernetic chest. Everyone gasps.
STEVE
What in the name of Samuel Adams
is going on here?
TOM
I missed THAT part in the
delivery room!
PETULA 2
FOOL! I was never really born. I am a
cyber assassin! I was just implanting
false memories! I was surprised you
fell for it, actually. Now prepare to die!!!
DR. FEINGOLD
But... who sent you?
PETULA 2
The Russians, of course!
STEVE
Always those damn Russians...
PETULA 2
I used you to sell billions of TOMerica
stock, and used that money to rebuild
the communist government! Now that
phase one is complete, I must kill you
again for the good of the country!
TOM picks up the gun that PETULA 2 set down. He points it at her.
TOM
I'm afraid not.
PETULA 2
Oh yeah?
PETULA 2 presses a button on her chest. Twenty guns pop out, all aimed at TOM. He drops his gun, and wets his pants.
PETULA 2
Say goodbye, Tom Mayfield, owner and
CEO of TOMerica Enterprises, and also
sole stockhold-
BLAM!!!!!!!!
PETULA 2 stands motionless for a second, then slumps over onto TOM, who pushes her away. Standing in front of TOM, with a smoking gun, is JANET.
TOM
Janet! What are you doing here?
JANET
Only the best for my rich husband.
TOM
I love you, Janet.
JANET
I love you too, money- I mean, Tom!
They have sex. Everybody but MIKE and ALONZO leave.
MIKE
Now that's what I call a
CLOSE ENCOUNTER!
They both tilt their head back and laugh. The scene freezes.
THE END